Crystals of bullshit

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While sitting in the waiting room for a physio appointment a couple of weeks ago, I absent-mindedly picked up some of the reading material which happened to be on a nearby table. Usually it’s years-old ‘women’s weekly’, or ‘yachting digest’, or whatever the practitioner’s hobby may be, enabling him/her to write off their favourite golfing magazine as a tax deduction I guess.

However on this occasion I picked up wonderful little rag called Nova, which apparently is ‘Australia’s Holstic Journal’ since 1994. But you knew that, right? It’s sub-title is ‘keeping mind and body together’. Of course my interest was piqued, after all, it had been days since I last had a good giggle.

Well, I don’t need to tell you what a hoot this magazine is, with every new page just dripping with a delicate blend of pseudoscience and marketing spin and designed specifically to part suckers from their hard-earned cash.

Here’s an example. One article is called ‘Crystals of Change’, a title which I have creatively adapted to suit this blog entry.

The article tells us how the earth can give us extra support when we may be feeling scared or confused. How? Well, apparently crystals which formed in the earth 4.5 billion years ago, still have an imprint in them, which are “the physical and lasting embodiment of the Earth’s history, evolved through intense pressure and upheaval“. Wow, impressive.

Furthermore, the crystalline structure “stores within it the extraordinary energy that sustained it’s own creation“. Yes, I think I understand. Although, if the energy was used to create it, how is it still stored in the crystalline structure. Was energy created too? Probably something I don’t quite grasp here.

We the learn that these crystals vibrate with characteristic frequencies, which can cause other bodies to vibrate at the same frequency via resonance.

As it happens, our bodies are full of chakras, which also vibrate a some frequency to keep our bodies in balance and prevent illness or disease. That’s very reassuring isn’t it? Thank goodness for chakras. The trouble is, these things can get out of balance. The article doesn’t tell us what balance actually means – again my lack of understanding. Is there too much of vanilla chakra and not enough chocolate? Or is my chakra-major leaning slightly to the left and about to fall over? Of course, I’m tempted to wonder whether this is just bad design – shouldn’t these chakras be self-correcting? After all, they are chakras.

But don’t despair, it turns out that crystals can repair chakras! Yes, I know, I was excited too. To quote the authors, “the energy vibrating through the crystal’s matrix could cause the chakra to resonate and restore balance“. Huh. Alternatively, they say “the frequency of the crystal could raise that of the chakra“. Excellent, but, sorry to be a pain, if you raise the frequency of the chakra, well, aren’t you changing the chakra into a different one? Actually that would be very cool, come to think of it. By changing their frequency, I could convert my little-used religious-zeal chakras into, say, additional golf chakras. (Or, some would say, my only golf chakra).

OK, I know I sound sarcastic, but we can be assured by the authors that what they say is true. After all “humanity has intuitively known this for thousands of years, attested by the Ancients and their use of stones“. Oops, there I go again.

No really, the authors have milked this for all it’s worth (which is not a lot actually). They close poetically with:

For this challenging time of accelerated transformation as we struggle to find balance within ourselves and with the planet….some of us require a catapult to a higher plane of consciousness, while others need emotional strength”.

All very nice. Bullshit, but nice.

As it happens, the author of this piece happens to also make crystal jewellery. Go figure. ‘Blue Turtles‘ it’s called. I put the name in so that they get a google alert, and I can tell Doron Berger what a wank his article is. I would bet my bottom dollar that he doesn’t believe a word of it.


9 thoughts on “Crystals of bullshit

    - B .. said:
    November 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Raising the frequency of my chakras really messes with my chi.

      rationalbrain said:
      November 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm

      I know how you feel.
      Perhaps someone who is described as ‘hyper’ simply has one or more chakras pushed into the hypersonic frequency range.

    {Pseudonym removed} said:
    December 24, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    My karma ran over my dogma… or something like that. Then a crystal intervened and now i’m rock steady.

    Vlad said:
    December 11, 2012 at 6:41 am

    I’m one year and almost a month late to the party, but I just wanted to say this: I’m pretty sure that guy DOES believe every word he said. I mean think about it.
    He could be selling bullshit and crystals and laughing his ass off, or he could be selling “wholesome spiritually rewarding advice and crystals and making people healthy” and feel really good about himself.

    That being said, Masaru Emoto’s research does lend a bit of credence to the whole frequency/resonance affecting our environment thing. Thing is, Emoto’s research makes it clear that you don’t just arbitrarily become magically energized. The environment reacts to us, and not really the other way around. So if crystals DO record some kind of pattern / resonance, well, considering the state of modern day society, they’re probably… full of shit.


      rationalbrain responded:
      December 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

      Yes, first half of your post is fair comment.
      However, don’t agree that Emoto has anything sensible to say. Without decent evidence, I simply don’t buy the frequency/resonance thing, other than as it applies to quantum processes or to the electromagnetic spectrum – that is, other than what we can measure. His work on water for example – just plain bad. Just another crank trying to prove some mystical nonsense using sciencey words.
      Actually it’s one of the reasons I haven’t posted much lately.
      There’s so much of this crap around, I got tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over. Of all the people who’ve had a crack at me over a couple of years for attacking their favourite pseudoscience, NONE of them has ever provided any evidence when I requested it. NONE.
      In the end I conclude that it’s almost impossible to dissuade some people from their favourite fantasy – for example water memory or crystal healing or scenar or whatever. And engage them in rational debate about it? Forget it. It quickly turns to abuse, and if not abuse, then charges that I’m working for ‘big pharma’ or that I’m ignorant of the giant conspiracy and that I will suffer in due course. You know the sort of thing.
      Thanks for you comment.

        Vlad said:
        December 11, 2012 at 9:07 am

        You’re welcome.
        And I know what you mean. While I’ve always desired to find something mystical in spirituality (and to a degree, there are some “mystical” things, which is layman’s for misunderstood body cultivation, such as martial arts self-cultivation techniques and some forms of NLP, most everything out there is placebo. That being said, I’ve had a few cases of empathy after prolongued meditation and self-cultivation. By empathy I mean being able to identify in my own body the feelings that others were feeling in that moment, as well as transmitting feelings to them. You’re free to consider me a nutcase, i don’t have anything to prove it.
        That being said, this led me to try and join various spiritual movements to try to communicate with like-minded people, and OH THE INSANITY. Between people thinking that they’re the incarnation of Tutankhamon, Jesus, Moses, Cleopatra, Hitler, etc. etc. etc., people waiting for the “entry into the photon belt where our DNA will be enhanced to 12 strands” (i have to ask here, would we grow tentacles or something at 12 strands? Is there a single creature out there that has more than two strands of DNA?), well… I literally couldn’t imagine beforehand the amount of well-meaning nutcases. The truly sad thing is that many of them genuinely believe that they’re helping people or themselves. I personally am of the opinion that their egos trick them into getting off on being “good, well-meaning and helpful” people to the point where they’re blind to their own ignorance.
        And while I do personally believe that there are SOME elements of Big Pharma (various vaccines with known side or ill-effects being sold or forced on false premises), I have to say that at one point people need to realize that our lifespan didn’t double on average in the last hundred years because we went and took a sugar pill. It’s the combined result of decades of research, global awareness increase into proper nutrition and body health, and a metric fuckton of people working their asses off through science they hate but use.

        rationalbrain responded:
        December 11, 2012 at 9:23 am

        I certainly wouldn’t call you a nutcase.
        Exploring these things is the way we learn. You’ve thrown yourself in, and come to some conclusions, that’s good. Exploring your own mind and feelings is never a bad thing.
        The real issue is those that simply take the word of the nutcases, because is sounds nice or fun or is the way to eternal salvation, etc, and then go on to make pronouncements about the nature of the universe.
        The photon belt sounds interesting and fun though – any more details?

        Vlad said:
        December 11, 2012 at 10:58 am

        You don’t have to read the wall of text that follows, it’s just one of many “presented facts” about our planet’s entry into the “PHOTON” Belt, and how that will blablabla disaster blablabla transmutation blablabla etc. We’re supposed to have entered it in 1992… only it then became 1997, 2011, 2012 etc.
        Of course the first question someone who ever had his year of physics class in grade school would ask is “Holy Fucking Christ, Batman, We’Re Being Bombarded By Photons Every Single Moment Of Every Single Day By The Sun, Lamps And People Staring”. I call it the HFCBWRBBBPESMOESDBTSLAPS theory, or BLABLALAPS for short.
        Most people don’t take it too well.
        The even shorter denial of the mountain of books, articles, speeches, propaganda and general insanity relating to this can be summed up in the word Boson.
        Now for the wall of text:

        I quote (and keep in mind this a random one of the hundreds of google pop-ups.. i literally lost track of where I first encountered this)
        “Our solar system journeys through the universe in a 26,200 year cycle, its path crossing what is popularly termed the Milky Way at right angles twice during that period.
        Every 13,000 years or so therefore planet Earth comes into a space/time overlap or period of NULL-TIME… an electromagnetic no-zone or energy vacuum, with complete absence of electromagnetic fields and the temporary suspension of the planetary grid system. When the pendulum reaches the destructive pause at the end of its swing, this is one of the results.
        This cosmic cloud is called the PHOTON Belt, the Milky Way or Monasic* Ring, and ushers in an era of Light (2,000 years of Enlightenment) after a much longer period of [biblical] darkness.
        We are now poised to enter this Photon Belt, and there is nothing we can do to avoid it. It is the ending of a cycle. Understand it without fearing it.”

        “There are TWO possible scenarios.

        Should Earth reach this PHOTON Belt before our Sun does, the sky will appear to be on fire and there would be three days and three nights of blinding light. Welders’ goggles would be needed to protect eyes from this light, as it would burn out the retinal nerves, and this would continue for 110 – 120 hours. This is a cold light, therefore there would be no heat. But there could be radiation, so one should remain indoors.

        Scientists had warned that, if nuclear testing did not end by the early ’80s, radiation would commence to fall back down on earth by the year 1993. Someone had the ’bright’ idea of resolving the matter by burning up this radiation by using linear beam weapons. Fortunately the satellite dispatched to do this in July 1992 failed just thirty minutes before ignition time. [Intervention by Higher Powers….. ]

        If this experiment had succeeded, the light would have been so intense that no-one would have been able to go out of doors for three days unless they wore welders’ goggles, and there would be massive blindness everywhere on the planet. Many people did in fact purchase welders’ goggles at that time (and they may still be necessary, as further similar attempts are made).

        In May 1992 it was reported that an army of satellites had been launched in order to drain-off photons from the Photon Belt, and thereby delay entry, but again this appears to have been a cover-up of the activities referred to above.”

        rationalbrain responded:
        December 11, 2012 at 11:23 pm

        Sounds plausible really 😉

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