While sitting in the waiting room for a physio appointment a couple of weeks ago, I absent-mindedly picked up some of the reading material which happened to be on a nearby table. Usually it’s years-old ‘women’s weekly’, or ‘yachting digest’, or whatever the practitioner’s hobby may be, enabling him/her to write off their favourite golfing magazine as a tax deduction I guess.
However on this occasion I picked up wonderful little rag called Nova, which apparently is ‘Australia’s Holstic Journal’ since 1994. But you knew that, right? It’s sub-title is ‘keeping mind and body together’. Of course my interest was piqued, after all, it had been days since I last had a good giggle.
Well, I don’t need to tell you what a hoot this magazine is, with every new page just dripping with a delicate blend of pseudoscience and marketing spin and designed specifically to part suckers from their hard-earned cash.
Here’s an example. One article is called ‘Crystals of Change’, a title which I have creatively adapted to suit this blog entry.
The article tells us how the earth can give us extra support when we may be feeling scared or confused. How? Well, apparently crystals which formed in the earth 4.5 billion years ago, still have an imprint in them, which are “the physical and lasting embodiment of the Earth’s history, evolved through intense pressure and upheaval“. Wow, impressive.
Furthermore, the crystalline structure “stores within it the extraordinary energy that sustained it’s own creation“. Yes, I think I understand. Although, if the energy was used to create it, how is it still stored in the crystalline structure. Was energy created too? Probably something I don’t quite grasp here.
We the learn that these crystals vibrate with characteristic frequencies, which can cause other bodies to vibrate at the same frequency via resonance.
As it happens, our bodies are full of chakras, which also vibrate a some frequency to keep our bodies in balance and prevent illness or disease. That’s very reassuring isn’t it? Thank goodness for chakras. The trouble is, these things can get out of balance. The article doesn’t tell us what balance actually means – again my lack of understanding. Is there too much of vanilla chakra and not enough chocolate? Or is my chakra-major leaning slightly to the left and about to fall over? Of course, I’m tempted to wonder whether this is just bad design – shouldn’t these chakras be self-correcting? After all, they are chakras.
But don’t despair, it turns out that crystals can repair chakras! Yes, I know, I was excited too. To quote the authors, “the energy vibrating through the crystal’s matrix could cause the chakra to resonate and restore balance“. Huh. Alternatively, they say “the frequency of the crystal could raise that of the chakra“. Excellent, but, sorry to be a pain, if you raise the frequency of the chakra, well, aren’t you changing the chakra into a different one? Actually that would be very cool, come to think of it. By changing their frequency, I could convert my little-used religious-zeal chakras into, say, additional golf chakras. (Or, some would say, my only golf chakra).
OK, I know I sound sarcastic, but we can be assured by the authors that what they say is true. After all “humanity has intuitively known this for thousands of years, attested by the Ancients and their use of stones“. Oops, there I go again.
No really, the authors have milked this for all it’s worth (which is not a lot actually). They close poetically with:
For this challenging time of accelerated transformation as we struggle to find balance within ourselves and with the planet….some of us require a catapult to a higher plane of consciousness, while others need emotional strength”.
All very nice. Bullshit, but nice.
As it happens, the author of this piece happens to also make crystal jewellery. Go figure. ‘Blue Turtles‘ it’s called. I put the name in so that they get a google alert, and I can tell Doron Berger what a wank his article is. I would bet my bottom dollar that he doesn’t believe a word of it.